Understanding James

{Session] 28th June 2011

2011-06-29T01:01:00.000+01:00

[This is an unfinished entry but posted as it contains a lot of info that may be relevant to future posts]

The previous session was last Friday as I'd managed to fall asleep and miss the Tuesday one so today started with the simple question "How was your weekend?"
"An emotional roller-coaster, as usual" was my somewhat dis-interested reply.
I had slept for about 3 hours before that morning and was very tired. Normally I'd prefer to not sleep at all than sleep for a few hours as surprisingly I'm more alert with no sleep.

My Weekend
This is going to be particularly vague: Without intending to I managed to hurt someone that meant a great deal to me. I was not 100% at fault despite what they may say and in fact they are hurt because of assumptions they made (conclusions reached) and how they chose to interpret things (is that the same thing?). I admit that I am to blame in as much that I was partially blind to what was going on and had I been more alert I would have made more effort not to leave things so open ended. There is a bigger picture to all of this but I am not willing to even speak in vague terms about that. The result of this though is that I spent ever day since (and every day from here on out) feeling both great sadness and near panic. I hope one day they can forgive me (remember in their eyes I am 10% to blame) and we can rebuild the friendship.
[side note] I spoke to [Girl Like Me] about this who helped me see past my usual need to take responsibility for everyone else's emotions. As well as point out the whole ridiculousness of the situation. Depending on how this pans out I suspect I may be relying on their support greatly.

[Girl Like Me]
It's out of sequence but I will add some more information about [GLM] as far as relevance to today's session.
They have been and continue to be a rock for me. They are the only person that knows everything that is going on and are one of the few people that will both put up with and not be effected by my moods. They are someone that will stand with me (to quote them "have my back") no matter what without question nor judgement. They are simply the best friend I could ever wish for and without them in my life I dread to think where I'd be emotionally and mentally. (They may insist I'd be fine, reminding me I'm stronger than I give myself credit for and that they simply allow me to see things I should already know and believe.)
The love that exists between friends, certainly for me, is incredibly strong and comes from the bottom of my heart. And it has never been more so than for [GLM]. So to her I say "You annoy the living fuck out of me at times but I truly love you. Thank you so much for being a friend".
The counsellor commented near the end of the session that I seemed very guarded today. I'm not sure exactly why I would be or what specifically it was about me / my responses that made her say it. The only reasons I could think of were tiredness and a conversation I had with [GLM] right before I left. We were talking about the events of the weekend again and I managed to do my usual thing of saying what I deemed as an off the cuff comment with an expectation of receiving a particular response. Unfortunately, it was taken exactly at face value (why wouldn't it be) because again it was a tiny part of a picture and the important points were not included. This caused me to have a bit of a childish sulk where I wouldn't look at her and just wanted to get away. I failed in explaining my reason for saying it and how it was actually meant as a "good" thing. But being the amazing person she is simply pointed out it was no good getting angry with her. I really did have to go though but let her know that we were ok and that I'll get over it.
If anyone deserves a medal for dealing with me it's [GLM]!

Petulance
The above piece about [Girl Like Me] brings us on to another topic for today, how I seem to have relationships with people that often...

[childish sulks, battling against adult, petulants (who calls you that? I do)
[more thoughts bout early childhood][id]

[Ruthless Friend] Why wouldn't I talk to them about things? Because they are so brutal with the truth that the friendship often takes a back seat for the purposes of offering the best advice. They were likened to my conscience (morals) and subsequently are suitably ignores / dismissed.

[Session] 14th June 2011

2011-06-15T01:12:00.000+01:00

[Unfinished post. Probably won't get finished now]

I can't remember how today's session started. It wasn't either of the usual questions. Might have been "How are you?" I'm not sure. But at some point early on I mentioned I was tired because I'd barely slept. Once again I'd been up till stupid o'clock chatting to [Girl Like Me] (who will be pissed when she finds out I needed to get up so soon after).

And we finally have an answer to a question from the second session: Who am I looking for? But not telling you the answer just yet...

I am looking for the real me.

I am shedding personaliteis (a Stephen fry quote)

My friends are people I percieve to be the real me. People I can be the real me with.

Family not wanting to see them as bit wanting to be thr me that has been built up and afraid of therir reaction to a "new me"*

*not new at all but one that had been hidden, squashed. This for reasons of morality which comes from mum or step dad.

With [twittercrush] I am opening myself up.

Also discussed, [Girl Like Me], [twittercrush], Pam. Why these people? Why the people I call friend? What is it about them? See above.

Staying up late talking to [GLM] and [Twittercrush] why? Don't want to stop. Don't want to think. That leads to sadness. Loneliness

Ego ve super ego ve morals. Once guided by morals now not so much. Thinking with Dick maybe .

I was much more open today. Almost no barriers. This is reflected in my opennedss on Twitter.

Fulfilling needs
Two needs are in place, both partly as a result of ego
Later in the session we talk about filling the whole in our life left by the loss of Mum and whether or not that can be filled.
I said it can be replaced but not wholly. I likened it to having an octagon shaped hole. The hole can be filled but best you can get is a heptagon so there will still be gaps. A lot of people might fill the hole as well as a pentagon would but Kellie is one of the few I've ever met that is capable of filling that void (heptagon).

[Session] 7th June 2011

2011-06-11T02:02:00.001+01:00

I've not had the best week (week being the past seven days) with the depression, what with the bouts of crying, for what appears at first glance as no reason but was feeling in relatively high spirits this morning. This despite being up again till early hours but since that was because I was chatting to [Girl Like Me*], could also be why my mood was good. That and it was sunny and my moods are greatly effected by the weather (but not to extent that I suffer from SAD).
The walk takes about 35 minutes and takes me through the local park which I spent mostly smiling at the world ("he's a nutter").
Until that was I sat in the chair at the counsellors then I almost burst into tears. Not sure I can pinpoint an exact reason but I suspect it was just a carry over from the previous session. As therapeutic as crying often is I didn't want to so sucked it up and instead went with how lovely (though unproductive) my weekend was.
And that's how we got onto the first topic...

Twitter
I said I had a good weekend because I was twittering which means I got to play with #awesomepeople. This is a small, very very select group of people that I click with, for want of a better word. People that in the flesh would be incredibly good friends, probably for life. I'll make a point of adding that [Girl Like Me] and I now chat away from twitter and that they are a flesh friend. Mentioned in the same breath here as they are relevant to my good mood and following topics.
I was trying to explain the whole flesh friend vs online friend thing and the best I could manage on the spot was this: When I talk to people online it tends to be with people very much like me (brutally honest, open loathing of people in general). My real life friends (best friends) are people where the friendship has pretty much been instant but still a period of time passes before it gets to the point of genuine love for them. Online friends have the same initial rush and whilst I wouldn't go so far as to say there is the same kind of genuine love as develops with flesh friends*, the essence of what is required is there and is something that develops over a much shorter period of time.
*Lust on the other hand is probably greater with online friends.

I am seriously struggling to remember (this is going to be a recurring theme) the exact order of everything spoken about and even what links one to another so the following may not make much sense but is written as I remember them.

We also talked about my avoiding situations that make me angry. This is a subject we looked into last week, maybe week or so before but to recap, I made a decision to avoid situations that I know will end up aggravating me. An example of this is tech forums. I used to moderate a few tech / gadget forums and I did it in part because I enjoy helping people out but the sheer number of fucktards out there was just overwhelming so I quit. I figured it was grief I didn't need and if I really was that fussed about helping people out I'd go back to teaching.
Now whenever my counsellor asks me a question I analyse it. In fact I analyse everything; things I say, she says, other people say. So when she asked me if I was still avoiding these situations I thought for a moment and felt I should clarify something.
I am not avoiding anything per say. To me that implies that I am in some way running away from them rather than dealing with an issue and this is not what I am doing. What she's getting at is that I should look at why I get angry which is fine and we should and we do but this example of forums (and similar on twitter*) doesn't really fit.
* I happened to mention a buzz I got from shooting people down verbally. One of my greatest triumphs was with the whole demo2010 which if you are unaware was a bunch of whining students bitching that they might have to pay higher tuition fees. I won't go into detail but I took great joy in pointing out all the flaws in their argument and in every case where one of them tried to "discuss" it with me they were left looking like the dumb fuck pricks they are. It's so easy to do, you just keep feeding them the rope, use their own words against them and watch as they tie the rope around their own neck and jump. I fucking live for that sometimes.
This is related to a discuassion about what triggers my anger. If someone comes to me flapping their lips at me then I hardly ever get angry about it. They can call me every name under the sun, shout, kick, scream whatever and I will just stand their nodding and smiling whilst quietly pointing out the inaccuracies in what they are saying.
However, if I've gone into a situation and it's kicked off then fuck a duck, I will set fire the fucking planet if I have to to rid every cunt on it. Except, it's not their fault in this case. In these situations the anger is always at myself. It's my failings I get angry at. Unfortunately it's aimed out instead of in. And this issue is the core reason why I am in counselling.

Jealousy
As a general rule of thumb I don't get jealous. Certainly never where a partner is concerned. That would imply lack of trust and I've never had trust issues with a partner. Some guys don't like seeing other guys hanging out with their girlfriend where-as I almost get a kick from it. Why be jealous when you know it's you they're going home with. It's like giving them a big "fuck you, losers".
Similar story with flesh friends, what is there to be jealous of? Seriously? We all have our on lives and sometimes free time isn't in sync. Friends are always going to be there no matter what. I have friends that I speak to maybe 4 times a year but when we do it's like we speak every day.
There are people in my life (flesh friends) that I have a relationship with that goes beyond friendship. Not in a physical way but where we've had "that" conversation. You know the one, you both want to fuck the arse out of each other but decide it's probably better not to. Even with those people there is no jealousy.
Those of you paying attention will see I specifically mentioned flesh friends...
I have been known on occasion to let myself get upset over nothing when it comes to people I meet online. I am not continuing this bit though. I can't mention people here and I can't think of a way of wording this is such a way that those I speak to where no jealousy exists can be marked out from those where there is. And that could upset the wrong people.

Hurtful Situations
Why do I put myself into situations where I can be hurt? Why do I make myself vulnerable? Why do I allow myself to form emotional attachments knowing it will likely end in hurt? What am I looking for? This behaviour is me re-enacting something from my past; what is it, who does it involve, what am I looking for and why?
This we started right at the end of the session and so we didn't have time to explore this. I will need to answer all these questions; I will try and see if I can get something out of it before my next session in which case I'll update the blog otherwise I said to my counsellor that we will break a rule and make a point of deciding on next week's topic.

*winks to Frank for blatantly ripping this idea of hiding names

[Session] 31st May 2011

2011-05-31T15:51:00.003+01:00

NB: Depending on how I deal with previous sessions this may not be the 1st session post in the list of posts but is the first post written. Clear as mud!

Today's session was a particularly difficult one as it mainly centred around my Mum's death which as far as this blog goes isn't great as I'm not ready to share that yet. At least this should be short...

My wedding ring
I still wear my wedding ring and to be honest I have no intention of taking it off; I am still married and everything the ring represents still stands true with me. I no more feel the need to take the ring off than I do to have my tattoo covered up - something else I have no intention of EVER doing.
I play with the ring when ever I talk about my wife, probably a fairly obvious and understandable thing to do but what came up in today's session is why I do so generally. To be honest it's just habit a lot of the time and even after three years it still feels alien to wear a ring. I don't wear any jewellery and only wear a watch if I'm meeting someone or dressed up (should that be one and the same event? No, fuck off, I'm a web developer so I wear jeans and t-shirt - if you're lucky). I did also comment that I would catch myself thumbing the ring whenever I see an attractive girl, most likely as a reminder - "behave James".
My counsellor asked if it was my (and a mutual) decision to wear rings as she sees a lot of people who don't wear wedding rings as they feel it's like being branded. It was something that wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind. Of course I want to wear a wedding ring. I couldn't wait to be able to show of the ring and let every one know about the commitment I have made. It's almost a boast but beyond that it's a representation of the commitment I made to my wife and of everything I feel for her. And as for branding, Hello! Have you seen my neck??
[side note*] My wife and I never had a problem with one another looking at other people and often discussed who we'd like to fuck. This was extended to people we'd see out (in real life) albeit to a lesser degree and we both agreed that for a couple to pretend they didn't notice other people and have "those" kind of thoughts was just ridiculous to the point of lying to themselves and to their partners. We're all pervs at heart, just accept it. It's not wrong and nothing to be ashamed about.

Depression
I mentioned for the first time that I feel depressed and she agreed that was very likely the case but I stated I don't want to take anything for it but use the sessions to help. Again she agreed to this but it will be something that's monitored.
[side note] The last time I was depressed I also went to (grief) counselling but by itself wasn't enough (or my destructive behaviour was out pacing the benefits of the counselling) and so I agreed to taking an anti-depressant. Whilst these worked fantastically and I found it to be a positive effect, I would rather avoid them if I can.

My Mum's Death
Not going into too much detail as I said but I need to put some kind of notes to help should I wish to look into what was discussed in more detail at a later date.
The amount of time I spent with my Mum, generally and near the end.
The suddenness of her death.
Is there a place of remembrance? (No)
Mum's ashes (to date I don't know what happened with them. To discuss this here means talking about my step-dad (something covered in previous sessions though) and, well, that's a massive subject)
Any guilt I may feel.
Protecting everyone and missing the signs.

*For the moment, until I think of a better solution, side notes denote something that wasn't mentioned in counselling but I am adding additional information.

Awesome People

2011-05-31T14:34:00.000+01:00

I mentioned that I have been inspired to start this blog after reading those of two other people and here I shall introduce you to them (having now received their permission to do so).
The two blogs in question are:

I have read many blogs by a large range of people but never have I been more touched or moved than I have by these two. The profound effect these two people have had on me is almost beyond words; all I can say is please read them for yourself and you will see exactly what I mean.

In giving you a brief summary of the two blogs I will use the authors own words as I don't believe I could adequately do them justice using my own (and I've tried).
The Single Moms Dating Diary:

Sexy and funny dating tales of a divorced 40-something suburban mom. Hilarious, heartbreaking and mostly true stories about dating, being a mom and living life to the fullest. From PTA mom to "boom-chicka-wa-wa" and everything in between... here is my dating diary.

Just Call Me Frank:

Just Call Me Frank is a personal attempt at honesty. DISCLAIMER: SOME posts cover information about our life with Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder. This is part of writing therapy, and an attempt to raise awareness and reach out to others who deal with this in their life. We are also funny as shit...sometimes - mostly on Twitter.

If you wish to follow them on twitter (please do so):
http://twitter.com/singlemomdate
http://twitter.com/JstCallMeFrank

There is so much I could say about these two(?) people and maybe one day I will but certainly not before I've said it to them first. I am a very emotional person anyway and current circumstances only serve to highlight and enhance that but even so, I defy you to read the blogs without forming any kind of emotional attachment.

Thank you so much Awesome People. From the bottom of my heart (for which you will always have a place) thank you. Smooches, hugs and licks ;-)

About This Blog

2011-05-31T00:22:00.000+01:00

Back in February 2011 my marriage reached a breaking point and I subsequently split up with my wife. I shan't go into details right now as I will probably be discussing it in future blog posts but shortly before the split I started to see a counsellor to help with some issues I was having. These issues were the reason the marriage ended and included anger (mostly at myself) and grief (for the loss of a friend). More recently this now includes depression. My wife had suggested I seek the help of a counsellor several months prior to this but despite it not being my first time I was hesitant to go.

Over the last 3 months that I have been going, I have started to learn a lot about what makes me me and I keep thinking that I really should write some of this down. For one reason or another I never got around to it but then I came across the blogs of two people that have inspired me to start (I am not mentioning them now as I feel obliged to ask their permission first).

This blog will serve two purposes:

A record of each weeks counselling sessions and the topics discussed.
An opportunity where I can look back at the events of my life and see what really makes me tick.
Yes, it says two purposes and this is three. That's because I was going to say "To maybe help others in a similar situation" but that's not really why I set out to do this - it's a self discovery exercise. However I figure it might none the less be valid and it seems to help if I write as if talking to someone.

The objective, just as it is for the counselling, is to work out why I have the issue I do, where they come from (more accurately who I learnt them from) and how I can "fix" them. I believe the depression is tied into these issues and if they can be corrected it will help me overcome it.

My short term memory is awful, really really awful. I can literally put something down and within 30 seconds forget where. It goes beyond this but again, I could probably write a dedicated post on the subject so I will. My point in mentioning it now is just that I can for-see many posts being repeatedly edited after they have been published as I remember more information.

The counselling sessions are every Tuesday and the plan is to get things down as soon as possible so all going well and memory permitting there should be regular posts published same day. Of course I will also aim to cover as many of the past sessions as possible too.